Colored Chaos

they say “destroy what destroys you”
but I think they forget that most often the things that break us, make us who we are in the end. and that sometimes the thing destroying you is something you love.. something you think you can’t live without. and sometimes you just have to let life play out before you go fighting everything that sways your way. because you never know what you’ll look like on the other side of pushing through.

Oct 13 / 0 notes

looking back at it now 
I finally figured it out
why I let it get that far
even when it was hurting me the entire time.
I gave up everything I had
let go of everything important to me
entirely for you
because I knew all along
you would never stay
so I gave everything I could
every little thing I had
to keep you
for as long as possible

and I was right
and I guess a part of me 
was hoping I wasn’t
that you really would stay
and that I really did matter
but I was right
and you’re gone

I had to fall apart all over again
and rebuild myself
and the bridges I had burned
and the people I had hurt

and who am I to hate you?
for what I was left with
when I knew all along 
I was fighting for something 

that was already gone.

Oct 13 / 0 notes

you’re the only one in the entire world
that has enough of me
to have the power to completely wreck me 
because to love someone you have to trust them with your heart
but what a beautiful thing
when they don’t even know they have it

Oct 10 / 0 notes
I can smell him..like he’s just behind me. I hear him whisper in my ear *I’m sorry, I’m so sorry* but I know if I dare turn my head, I will come face to face with empty eyes that reflect my own. More haunting with each second I dwell in them. I sink. They suck me in, pull me under and fill my lungs.. I choke on the air I can no longer hold. He says *let me take it. Let me free you..I can bring you back* And for a moment, just before everything fades around me for lack of grip, I pull back. I pull back with everything in me. And for a second, looking at him was like looking in a mirror. And only than do I realize, I’m already gone. I may still have my body, the physical of my being, but my soul was locked away in his eyes long ago.. And I don’t want it back.. I still hear him, smell him.. he says *I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Come back.
Oct 8 / 0 notes

Always a fear that they might shatter
These tiny glass houses I’ve built in my heart
With the beautiful ghosts that wander each one
Names on each mailbox that all mean something
I’ve built a home for dear people
With the hope that they’ll wish to stay
But I’ve discovered that every time someone walks out of my life
Their respective house shatters
The pieces shake and scratch inside me with every breathe
Only time dulls the edges
So that the pain is less
And slowly it becomes easier
To live without them
And sometimes even
rebuild for someone new

Oct 4 / 0 notes

come back when you can
when the worry is less
come back when you can
don’t lose yourself running
come back when you can
I could never love you less
come back when you can
I promise I’ll still be here
come back when you can
please don’t forget me
come back when you can
I pray you don’t find another
come back when you can
I love you
I’ll love you forever
don’t forget

Oct 4 / 0 notes

It would be a lie to say I’ve never tried to replace you
fill in the cracks you left with pieces of him
but I somehow still find myself digging new cavities late at night
feeling a desperate need to leave a space for you
even when I lay in his arms at late hours
I make myself lonely so the memories of you still shake me
sometimes I lay there and make wishes all night
voice my hopes to the stars
I wish these were your arms wrapped around me
I wish those were your lips pressed gently to the back of my neck
that it was your hair I could reach out and run my hands through
and once in a while I let myself wonder
if the wishes you make late at night
reflect my own

Oct 4 / 0 notes

mornings when I wake up with an ache in my chest
I know you’ve visited my dreams in the night
and I find that there is nothing that can make that ache disappear
except another night
another sleep
new dreams
bare of you completely
because everytime I dream of you
everytime I see your face when I close my eyes
it takes away a part of me
and leaves me with less of myself
over and over again

Oct 4 / 0 notes

and sometimes I can just let it go
keep living
but not a day goes by where you don’t come to mind
I miss having you
and when I see you my mind reels with questions
and I wonder what you think
when you see my face
and I wonder what changed your mind
if there’s a part of you
that misses me too.
in my head I scream for you to turn around when you walk by
to just look at me
to say something
it scares me that you remained yourself without me
that you don’t feel my absence the way I feel yours
that you don’t feel anything missing
because I can’t ignore the gaping hole in my chest
where you used to be
where you still should be

Oct 4 / 0 notes

That moment of doubt you feel before you kiss someone for the first time..I felt it every time with you
But I still remember the way you use to smile into my kiss, so tell me how we ended up like this?
You were the first real thing I ever had, and I realize not my last..
But I won’t forget what it felt like to have someone care that much
what it felt like to fall asleep in your arms
and kiss my forehead 
and be yours

Aug 20 / 0 notes